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Fred's Views


I got to wondering how long ago it was when I wrote my first "Soap" column - and how much things have changed, but remained the same. I believe I wrote the column last August, that's about 8 months ago.

On Passions, our star-crossed lovers (Sheridan and her two beaux who are brothers) are still a trio. Despite about three million and six attempts to tell Antonio that she really wants to be with Luis, he still doesn't know. There have been a couple of minor things however. Antonio had a near-fatal illness that left him unconscious for a time; but just before that, Sheridan married him. We are about to learn that Sheridan is pregnant, but we don't know who the daddy is yet!

Speaking of pregnancies, while Theresa is almost still married to Julian (we are in the process of learning that the marriage was not legal probably because the "minister" wasn't); she lost her last (for now) shot at her true love, Ethan, when Ethan learned that his past and present finacée is also pregnant. Not to be out done, there is also a pregnancy at the Bennett's. Seems that when Kay, with a little black magic, tricked Miguel to have sex with her by looking just like Charity (the girl encapsulated in ice), she forgot the protection and now she's pregnant too. But, as they say, that's not all. On our pregnancy special, we have a super special bonus. For reasons unfathomable, Julian, in a drunken stupor, had a night of bliss with Tabitha, the resident witch. Now she's pregnant too. It's a difficult pregnancy since she has a tendency to burp butterflies, do pirouettes in mid hair and lose her hair - only to miraculously regrow it.

Our would-be tennis pro and her boyfriend have consummated their relationship which may (hopefully) mean the writers have decided not to make him the long-lost half-brother after all. Her sister, who thinks he's her boyfriend despite the fact that we have virtually never seen them together, has just discovered the awful truth and, as is usual for soaps, has gone off the deep end accusing her sister of all kinds of horrendous deeds. And speaking of feuding sisters, although their mother's (Eve) secrets are still safe, she has discovered that Liz (who was Antonio's boss and sometime lover back on the islands) is her sister who accuses her of abandoning her to their incestuous father. (There are many weak story lines in soaps, but blaming an absent sister for an incestuous relationship with her father is pretty lame, even for soaps.) Anyway, Liz is threatening to spill Eve's secrets and steal her husband. The way her husband (T.C.) has been acting lately, he's no catch.

It probably would be prudent to point out that Theresa's child - named after her lost love, Ethan, is still an infant and has not yet started school or even dated. Perhaps even more surprising, the teenagers on DOOL (Days of our Lives) are still - teenagers.

Speaking of DOOL, the big news is that Jack and Jennifer have reunited; Victor has married Nicole; the evil Doctor Colin Murphy has been murdered; Larry Welch has come and gone (now that was quick) and, unfortunately, Billy has also left (to do a talk show about ... soaps). Contract talks will likely force Chloe out of the story as well as her parents. Not to worry, her new-born sister will probably be back next year as a bubbly new teenager.

And those mysterious Gemini twins have been revealed (I was going to say uncovered, but they've actually covered up), to be none other than Marlena's long lost and hitherto unknown children. The father is likely Tony Dimera, although it would seem artificial means were used. (Surprisingly, Marlena actually was off the show for a couple of years, supposedly dead but actually imprisoned by Dimera senior about the right time for these twins to have been born then. I told you these guys had it down to a science.)

Just about everyone is Salem has either been accused of or confessed to the "good" doctor's murder. So far Hope and her son, Sean, have been cleared despite their separate confessions. Larry Welch, under Victor's coercion, has confessed, but Victor, at least, thinks Nicole did it, and is forcing her to submit to what has become a loveless marriage.

Sammi is still being Sammi, although she has talked Brandon into cohabitation. Sammi also doctored a medical record to show that Lexxie's expected child is her husband's and not Brandon's.

Meanwhile, after rescuing Hope who had been abducted by Larry Welch, (and then plagued by his "ghost" and finally "gassed" by the not so vacuous apparition), Bo is having problems with Salem's legal system - not surprisingly. The most constant aspect of DOOL (besides Mrs. Horton, the matriarch who has been with the show since day 1) is that Mickey will lose his case (any case) and that there will be a new district attourney every time one is called for in the script. Unfortunately, every DA Salem has had in the last forty years has been totally unconcerned with justice. He (or she) has eyes only on re-election, which, fortunately, doesn't seem to happen.

So, there you have it. Now let's see, 8 months would be approximately 30 weeks, 10 hours per week. We've just squeezed 300 hours of excruciating drama into 1,000 words. You're welcome.

Copyright © 2003 by Fred Oldfield. All rights reserved.


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