Today is Wednesday, June 26, 2019


Fred's Views

More on Women

I've written before about the enigma that is woman. But I truly like women. In fact if given the choice between joining a group of women or a group of men, all things being equal, I would choose the female group. It's true that there would be much inane chatter about such silly things as the latest fashion, shoes, and who's sleeping with whom and why he's not getting any and probably never will again.

On the other hand, if I joined the men, I'd be bored by the myriad reasons why so and so is in a scoring slump, why the putt put the ball in the water, or how the fish that was t-h-i-s big got away. Then there would be the inevitable comments (men don't gossip) about so and so who's not getting any, and never expects to again.

I probably shouldn't mention stereotypical statements like "If you don't know, I'm certainly not going to tell you". To a woman that makes perfect sense, but to a man it is frustratingly and totally obscure. And should I mention the many times (at least on TV) when a woman has said something like, "You know what you did" only to discover much later that he really didn't know, because he didn't do it!

And speaking about not doing things, men know all too well about that black hole of Calcutta. If you don't do it, you're a careless, forgetful and unfeeling blob. But if you do do it, you're a spendthrift who should take better care of his money. The no-win scenario is all too familiar with most men and, unlike Captain Kirk, one can't simply rewrite the rules, unless, of course, one is a woman to whom anything is possible.

The logical female mind doesn't detect the seeming inconsistencies that cause men such consternation. Today I made another common male error. My wife asked me if I wanted to go and do something. She said, "Are you coming?" At this point, I must confess that I was more than a little off my game and I stupidly responded, "Do you want me to go?" (To be fair, it wasn't as if she'd be going alone.) I knew, immediately, of course, that I had fallen into another large hole that I would not get extracted from anytime soon. The only correct response is, of course, "Yes dear, I'm right behind you."

Unfortunately, my addled brain was thinking, I believe logically, that 'if you really want me to go with you, then of course, I will. But if, by chance, it isn't all that important to you, I'd rather stay here and wilt.'

Needless to say, whatever small chance I had of getting some tonight slipped right through my fingers.

And speaking of getting some ... I have to confess that I like to take some time in the bathroom before I retire for the night. It is, after all, the perfect place and time to catch up on my reading, or so I think. My wife, bless her, takes very little time to get ready for bed. (And not much more time getting ready in the morning) - two of the many traits that make me love her dearly - if not well. So, as we approach 11 pm, my wife may announce that she's "going to bed soon". Now "soon" to her can mean anything from 15 seconds to an hour and a half. If it's fifteen seconds, there's no chance that I can finish off what I'm doing and get ready for bed before she's already in bed and asleep (or very nearly so). And if it's an hour and a half, why even I can't take that long in the bathroom. So, stupid male that I am, I usually wait until she actually makes her move. As a consequence, she's asleep by the time I hit the hay. So I lie there, tossing and turning for an hour or so until I finally doze off.

Then there are those rare occasions when we happen to make it to bed at about the same time. Inevitably, that's the night when a wave of weariness hits me almost as soon as my head hits the pillow. If I let it envelope me, I may fall asleep within five minutes. But if I try to fight it, or if my wife engages me in conversation, the weariness will pass and I'll toss and turn for up to an hour to get to sleep. My wife and I do have a bit of a communication problem: nether one of us is likely to come right out and say "Would you like to make love?" Instead, we make more subtle inquiries such as embracing, cuddling or letting our fingers do a little walking. But here's the catch: for the first few minutes, I'm fighting that wave of weariness and may end up being too subtle. By the time I get my second wind, she's asleep.

Once in a while, however, I get gently awakened in the night and everything falls into place as it should. Have you ever noticed that 2 am seems to be the perfect hour for a woman to make love or have an argument? It used to be that I was too tired to engage in either. To my wife, I was either rejecting her advances (which she swore she would never do again - and seldom does) or I didn't care enough to discuss the problem with her. (What problem? What time is it? Why is it dark outside?) But that seldom happens anymore. If I get lucky enough to be awoken by an amorous wife, I take advantage of the situation. Now that I'm retired, I can always catch up on my sleep after she leaves for work.

I don't know what my wife will think about this article - she does eventually get around to reading them - but I hope she knows that I meant it all - in fun. She is really a wonderful person and a great wife. And when you get right down to it, she's still my best friend. So, if I had to pick someone to spend the rest of my life with, it would be she - but then I already did that.

(Now can I get some?)

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